“If you have a question about sex, where do you go?” I ask my 12-year-old daughter, Orla. She is not looking for her phone. “I ask online,” she said she was dead. “Then delete my browser history.”
“You will not come to me?” I am adventurous, worried, hurt, amused and (a small part) satisfied. “Mom, if I ask you about sex, I have to imagine that you have sex and that it will be shocking to me,” is the answer I will return to.
So … on her face, you’ve probably failed in the “How to talk about sex to your daughters” section of parenting, especially if, compared with the likes of Emma Thomson, who has not long appeared on the podcast to discuss the “Sex Guide” To her daughter when Gaia was 10 years old (now 18 years old). In it, Thompson called sex “shavoom” and pornographic material “Kingdom of Ike”. (“If anyone does anything, says anything, involves anything, shows anything or refers to anything that makes you feel depressed, get away, get away, or say no thank you. Without thanks), “reads part of Thompson’s mother. Guide daughter.)
As parents, we all know that talking about sex to our children is part of the work. With the government’s recent curriculum on sex education delayed by another year, it will become mandatory in schools from September 2020 – as we know it is more urgent than ever. Porno hardcore is everywhere. Studies indicate that parents tend to underestimate the vulnerability of their children, but it is safe to assume, years before their arrival to Rule One, that boys in particular will see images that can create a distorted picture of satisfaction, pleasure, health and safety. Add to that the STBs “superbug”, online grooming, the fact that “safe sexting” is now something (this takes care of cutting your face and the house from your body), and we have worked for us.
All this I know – however, the longer my father is, the harder it becomes. My daughters 19, 17 and 12 and the recent study from the London School of Health and Tropical Medicine, which found that parents talk about sex to their firstborn, then gradually getting worse with the rest, are ringing horribly. There is embarrassment, of course. (I have a friend who is happy to tell strangers about her dancing and spontaneous encounters, but he has never been able to talk about sex to her children.) I thought he would be a nessima, but I was shocked to prove her loss. But it is not. I have seen how quickly the “issue” has changed, and how easily it has fallen hopelessly. When a small boy referred to an 11-year-old boy as “pansexual”, I could not remember what it meant. He went home, googled, I still know.
Moreover, as you age, you become more ambiguous. I am more aware than ever what kind of sex education is really a personal opinion. While the “genus of funerals” tends to reassure and accept messages about what is normal, I feel like wanting to repeat it. I remember vividly telling my 13-year-old granddaughter that some of the common things in pornography, such as anal sex, were less common in real life and it is very unlikely that she would feel comfortable with the girl. Her 11-year-old sister was hovering in the doorway. Now, the repeated phrase in the “anal sex” section of one of the leading sex education websites is “lubrication and patience”. What is the most useful message? When it comes to directing my daughters about physical acts, maybe “I can do better”. But, I hope, I hope it will be fine.
Alice Hoyle, a consultant for relationships and sexual relations with Durex Do’s sex education arm at Durex, believes that shifting the focus away from practical topics to an open, more emotional approach. This must include how young people feel about themselves, how they make the community feel, what they want from the relationship and how to communicate.
“The understanding of consent begins very early, and is appropriate,” says Hoyle. She also has three daughters, the largest of whom is now eight. “I was watching a two-year-old child in a nursery recently, another girl on her face, and the responsible adult asked the girl to look at the other body language … Was she smiling? We have a standard family base – if not everyone is fun, it depends – sometimes it can be a real challenge – I was treated on my daughter’s hair the other day – she had “No Means No” Strong body language, hand … ”
The stadium policy is another link to power dynamics, moral behavior, what you can do and what can not be accepted. I have always encouraged my daughters to tell me everything when it comes to friends and friends (I’m fascinated anyway). After school, bedtime, in the kitchen, in the car, we always talked. I have tried to help them listen to their digestive instincts – feel fun, feel uncomfortable – and find their own coping strategies. Sometimes I suggest that they go away and find the people who treat them better. This led one daughter to make a new ring of mates, nine years old, never look back.
If you are in touch with the highest levels of diet and talk about your own experiences in your age, you have developed the basics to build healthy relationships and made it easier for you to open up to you. Hoyle maintains open lines with mother and daughter diaries – laptops where they write messages to each other. On the Jenga set, I wrote sentences on each brick which you can complete when you place one in place. “I feel happy when …” or “I feel like crossing when …” as Sussed recommends, a family conversation game loved by her children.
Pornography is something you should handle. I’ve taken the line “I think so”, like watching a Superman jump from buildings – do not expect similar results if you try them at home. It is that difficult task of issuing a warning without appearing out of the way, ignoring you.
“In the past, sex education was criticized for being too negative,” says Hoyle, for not looking at fun. This has improved, but there is a lot of talk among young women that sexual favors have been sold wrongly to them. They did things to please men rather than themselves.
“You can not avoid talking about pornography, but it’s difficult, people use it for fun or even sex, but the sex they see is often men’s, and you can not tell if women are abused or trafficked.”
All of the above has been discussed in our house, and anything can open the door: a personal picture. (“Blurred Lines”; I know you want it, everything about that hero Megan Traynor); allegations of rape in Cristiano Ronaldo (one daughter has a poster over her bed); love island (politics of hair removal and breast enlargement) , Cheating … a lot of issues, where to start?)
Janey Downcher, a co-author and co-author of translated teenagers (and another mother of three girls), thinks all these talks are more important than “what’s going on.” “When you are a teenager, your identity, your sense of who you want to be and what is possible, is a continuous work,” she says. “As parents, we need to help them see all the options and think as widely as possible.More importantly, you are helping your daughter achieve high value for herself – to know that she is very special.
Parental coach Judy Reith agrees. “The job of parents is to help her daughter to believe that she deserves to have a wonderful relationship with someone,” she says. “Do not criticize only when you are concerned about her behavior, show her great qualities and always praise praise when she swims against the tide.”
Perhaps most important is the example you set. “The truth is that girls are watching their mothers like hawks,” says Reith. “If you are not safe the way you look, you always eat a diet, if you do not expect to be treated well, this is the message you send to you.If you are confident, the home is a safe area where you feel happy, there is no makeup and hair Greasy, this is not bad. “(In this section, I have mastered.)
So far, older girls seem to enter puberty as wise, strong, and empty as the mother may wish to be. When Orla aborted that taking sex questions with me was very painful, I suggested that she ask her older sister instead. She is now an adult – and the safer girls are in their lives. I have to admit, it was good to delegate.